Every day as it starts to get dark, I walk through my apartment and close it down a bit. I shut all the curtains and blinds, and open the windows to let the cool air in. I turn off any stray lights and sometimes clean up tiny messes. It’s become a really peaceful and enjoyable part of my days in our new space.
One evening I was walking through each room and thinking about how comfortable I have become being alone in my home. Ten years ago, newly divorced Andie was scared most nights in my new apartment. It took me months and months to feel safe in a space where I was now the only adult. This very routine would have been filled with anxiety where peace now lives. It made my heart smile to look back and think about how much I have grown.
I was all up in my feelings when I arrived at my bedroom door. A flashback of me asleep on the couch stopped me in my tracks. I was at my old apartment where this couch was my bed for five years. My memories took over my brain, and my body went back there with the rest of me. It became tense and constricted. It felt trapped with nowhere to go. I could almost hear the millions of sounds that so often overstimulated me; especially on summer nights when I was the only one who wanted to sleep.
Now, don’t get it twisted. If I needed to, I would go back and sleep on that couch for the rest of my life, if it was what I needed to do for my family. It’s why I did it for as long as I did. AND, let’s be real, when your living room (that houses four boys and hosts an in home nurse every day) also acts as your bedroom, the lack of personal space can be suffocating.
As quickly as I was taken over by constriction, I was then overcome with gratitude. Que the ugly tears. They started pouring out of me. I am so fucking grateful for this room. It is all mine. I don’t have to pull my bed out of the couch or have it invading everyone else’s space. My clothes are in my own private closet. I have my own space to get ready. I can leave my bed unmade and my clothes wherever I want and it’s not messing up the whole living room.
I have a nightstand. Actually, I have two! I really can’t downplay how nice this perk is. A place right next to where you sleep where you can put the things you need all the time. It’s genius really. Bravo to whoever had that original idea. Let’s not forget, I have a door . . that closes! I am currently working on not feeling like I am being mean when I close it. I have to giggle at myself for that one. I’ll get there. Baby steps.
Why am I telling all of you this? Great question. Because, it is so easy for all of us to speed through life and not slow down long enough to fully take in the seemingly small gifts. We would probably never think to appreciate a bedroom. I probably wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t had lived in the living room for the last five years.
So today, slow down a moment and recognize the small blessings. Sometimes the smallest things hold the most joy.
I’m going to go to my bedroom now and close the door on my children, without guilt! (maybe)