Ben is turning 8 and I'm supposed to be happy. I'm not.

Ben turns 8 years old in five days. As I begin to think about it, I can feel my mind start to be overwhelmed and get stuck. I keep feeling the need to only recognize the positive, the joy we have, the silver linings. Because you know, "what you focus on grows" so I sure cannot say out loud or too often the immense grief and fear that I feel because we don't want that to grow. 

I mean, I might make people uncomfortable or people might think I only focus on the negative. I am frustrated for having these feelings. I am frustrated for being worried about it. I feel very pessimistic for thinking them at all and I feel the need to stop complaining. Good 'ol religious trauma coming in hot with the shame spiral when I show up as a real human. 

What good does it do to shove down my feelings and pretend they aren't there? If anything, it is the very act of trying to push my fears away that keeps me stuck. Anytime I find myself stuck it is because there are so many feelings inside of me that I am not allowing myself to feel. When I try to see the bright side and focus solely on the good, it disconnects me from myself more and more. 

What happens when you ignore a fire? It burns everything down.

What happens when we try to ignore your sadness, fear, or rage? It slowly eats away at the vibrancy of our souls! 

They say what you focus on grows and while that may be true, it is also true that what you ignore erodes.

And for what? All in a feeble attempt to make things appear positive and happy when what we really need is to scream, cry and grieve with our whole being. That can be scary. It can feel like we could be swallowed whole by the darkness and never escape it. It won't. I promise.

The beautiful thing that happens when we allow ourselves the space to fully feel . . . we create the space inside of us to see the moments of beauty and joy because the grief was given permission to sit down next to it. We can now see where the light shines through the darkness. 

We cannot ignore the pain, the fear, the incredibly understandable and ever evolving grief that is part of being a parent caregiver or it will erode at the very fiber of our being. Our lives are too precious for that to happen. You deserve to life a full and vibrant life in the midst of all the pain. So feel the pain. Feel the grief. Feel the anger, the disappointment and the resentment. Feel the jealousy and the comparison. Feel every damn dark feeling. It's there for a very good reason and it needs you to look it in the eyes and say it's okay. Because it is okay and we will be okay. 

So . . . Ben is turning 8 in 5 days. I should be excited for how big he is getting, how much he is learning, and the health he is experiencing right now. Yet, all I can think about is that he is one year closer to everything going downhill. One year closer to puberty, which is when things tend to get worse with his disorder (NCBRS). Seizures tend to get worse, mobility declines, bones become more fragile, energy decreases and more. 

Now why exactly do I want him to get older? Why do I want him to get closer to all of that? I don't. I want to stay in this imperfect space right here. There is hard here but it's not the hard of the future. I do not want to get closer to watching my child suffer on a regular basis. I don't want to watch my child deteriorate in front of my eyes. No fucking thank you. I've watched him suffer enough for one lifetime. He doesn't deserve any of it and he shouldn't have to endure it. So can we please just press pause and not let it get closer? My heart is not ready.